Upstarts 7 - Rebels 0

Message from el capitno

As I sit here writing this on Sunday morning, my right hamstring hurts, my knees hurt, my back hurts, even my bloody eyelashes hurt. I think I’m just getting too old to play hockey. But then I say to myself, how does the rest of the team cope?

Not wishing to upset anyone of course, but I’m certain we must be the oldest hockey team in the Western Hemisphere. I mean, looking at our squad purely from an age perspective:
We have two in their fifties, five in their forties, two of which are nearly in their fifties, six in their thirties, three of which are nearly in their forties, three in their twenties, all of which are about to enter their thirties, and Donny tells me Kirk is 87.

The youngest member of the squad is the cooler, and that must be at least 23 years old.
So what does all this mean? Well, clearly Kirk has been lying about his age for the last thirty years for immigration purposes. Based on yesterday’s performance he surely must be the fittest octogenarian out there. And what about Mr Brunson, the man is 47 and he looks 19……….what’s going on there? His hockey seems to get better with every match. Please Jon, give me a large dose of whatever it is you’ve been taking.

As old people say, age is just a number, that’s what it all means. Apart from the many ailments in my first paragraph, I feel the same as when I was 26. (25 was when I really slowed down). I’m sure all the older gentlemen amongst us are the same, or we wouldn’t be doing this would we?
But enough of this philosophical nonsense…………….hey, we won and we kept a clean sheet.
Well done Kev, and well done the back four. Davy was magnificent at right back, nothing fancy, just first class defending. Kaniaru, the most laid back of laid back people was just that, laid back. I don’t think he ran further than five metres at any one time and just took the ball off anyone that came near him, including Keir twice.

Keir’s performance was exemplary. He was all over the pitch, showing incredible levels of stamina, positional awareness and superb flair and technique. (Have I missed anything Keir?). Then we have our new recruit Johnnie, who not only played well at left back, also had a go in midfield, where he looked very comfortable indeed.

That just leaves Johnnie’s replacement at the back, Alan. A very solid first game for this season from the founder of Upstarts, a man who loves nothing more than to run around naked on stage in front of lecherous old ladies. I hate to think what his other hobbies are………………….
We had a couple of debutants as well. Harpal, who hasn’t played for several years, but will soon get back into it, and Bruce, who when I first met him, went right up in my estimations as he was carrying two cases of Heineken. He went right down in my estimations just as quickly though, when he gave the Heineken to Panthers…………………please don’t do that again Bruce. Well done on the pitch though.

Our midfield was dominant against Rebels. Donny tackled and distributed the ball brilliantly, and Kirk just ran and ran and ran and banged in two goals. He and Brunson were tireless throughout the match.

Gary had yet another excellent game with a hat trick, although he was definitely distracted at times. I’m sure I heard him on the phone at half time trying to sell the Argentine hockey side several sets of Christine’s shin pads.

Pete had his best game yet by far in an Upstarts shirt. He was everywhere, clearly demonstrating he really knows how to play the game and he walked away with several game winning assists. He, and the other new guys have been great additions to our club this season.
I managed a couple of goals, but should perhaps have had three more, with good chances being bollocksed up basically. I would have nailed them when I was 43.

So overall, a great result and a great performance. It will be much tougher against the Police next week, but we can beat them, as we can anyone in this league.
Finally, we have one item of administration to take care of.

An addition has been made to the Club’s Bye Laws.

Starting this week, an award will be made to the player who, in the sole opinion of the incumbent award holder, ‘Displays on one or more occasion, during the course of a match day, behavior that may not be in keeping with the ‘spirit’ of Upstarts Hockey Club. Examples of such behavior may include instances of, (but not limited to), taking himself too seriously, not passing the ball when appropriate, refusing to join in with post match festivities, making complimentary comments about Chameleons or expressing a desire to train ’.

The award consists of one week’s possession of an extremely girly bright pink hockey stick, which must be used by the recipient in the match following the presentation of the award.
The incumbent award winner must then present the award to another player of his choosing immediately following that week’s match and so on.

As team Captain, and as I have the award in my possession, I shall get the ball rolling by making the first presentation.

This goes to one of my team mates, who, on Saturday:
1. Displayed excessive levels of showing off by scoring a hat trick
2. Unashamedly tried to sell everyone he met one of his girlfriend’s hockey accessories
3. Refused to pass to me on at least two separate occasions when I was free in front of goal
4. Orchestrated three successful short corner routines resulting in one goal and two near misses, come on, it’s just not an Upstarts thing to do

Yes, the honorary first recipient of the Upstarts Hockey Club ‘Twat Stick’ is none other than our resident superstar, Mr Gary Tavares. May you go forth and score another hat trick with it at the weekend, nothing less will do Gary, nothing less will do.

So, well done guys, was a great laugh on Saturday………………………….club night out and golf day planned in the next few weeks.

And finally, finally, to those of the squad who couldn’t make it. Really try your best to be there next week, let’s have sixteen of us up for it against the Police, we really need to step it up a bit against those guys. Adrian in Mauritius, we’ll see you soon, Mark N – would be great to see you Sunday, Jules, Rob H, JT, Neil - hurry back, and Skiller, best of luck with the back injury mate, and never, ever, try to lift one weeks’ supply of pies into the car in one go again.
Kick off is at 2.15pm on Sunday October 19th, email me a Y or N asap.

Phil

Upstarts 3 - Panthers 4