The sun shone majestically over Ocean View golf course. The North Atlantic shimmered beautifully as its quiet stillness offered a perfect backdrop to a stunning Bermuda autumnal day. The last two longtails swooped playfully over the oleanders in preparation for their long migratory path to warmer climes.
'***king **ck!' cried Keir, as he advanced his 6 iron approach shot to the first green another 24 inches. 'We're out of here', the longtails squawked as they flew for cover.
'I don't bast**d well ***cking believe that boll**cks' screamed Murphy as his 300 yard drive on the third landed perfectly in the middle of the equestrian centre.
'That's just ***king typical' sighed Phil, as his 195 yard 5 iron attack at the green of the 14th smashed into exactly the same tree as it had an hour earlier.
The Europeans were in trouble and were struggling to come up with new expletives. By all accounts the language in the Rest of the World (‘RotW’) team was even worse.
The RotW team were first on the tee. Kev Hill (not Smith...sorry Kev), Kaniaru and Kirk cracked drives down the centre of the fairway. Donny topped his first into a bush, but who cares, his team were in play.
Murphy and I looked at each other and thought, 'We're in trouble, and where the hell is Savage?’
'Sorry boys, been in the bog all morning,' Keir explained as he justified his late arrival.
So that was it, we were off. Two laps of Ocean View's 9 holes in glorious sunshine. Captain's choice, the only game for hackers, not a thought of hockey between us, golf bags full of the latest 460cc driving technology and plenty of Heineken.
About four hours later we were back. The course was by now in need of closure, and the forest was many golf balls richer. The closest to the green competition on the 7th was won by Murphy, with a thinned 9 iron that flew over the back, but was a good yard inside the RotW team's effort which was 40 yards short of the flag.
Martin was back in action again with the longest drive on the 17th. The RotW team had not left the long drive marker on the fairway, so they either didn't make it past the ladies tee, or they thought they already had the match in the bag with their consistent scoring and wanted to leave something for us?
Consistent scoring was the key. Coming off the eighteenth, the Europeans were feeling confident. Five under par – seven birdies and two bogies.
The scorecards came out. The RotW team were also five under! Five birdies and no bogies.
Then came the excuses, ‘we had four players’, ‘we had three’, ‘the wind got up’, ‘we ran out of balls’, ‘we drank more Heinekens’, ‘we didn’t drink enough Heinekens’. How would we decide this?
To be fair, from the European perspective, the RotW team made swift progress around the course, we couldn’t keep up with them. In fact, we were hassled on the back nine by the group following us. Initially, we weren’t worried when we met them at the tenth. But I take my hat off to the St Davids Blind Welfare Ladies over 75 Golf Society Second Team. (That was our main excuse – we just couldn’t concentrate with all those balls being fired at us by them b**ches).
Anyway, back to the outcome. Somebody mentioned there was a count back system in golf for deciding ties. We couldn’t work that out though, so we decided on an honourable draw. That would be fair. After all, we all play for the same team.
Then Kirk happened to mention we all played for Upstarts. So that was it, the final agreed outcome was that both teams lost.
A brilliant day out and a hard earned defeat for both sides…………….
Monday, December 10, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Upstarts vs Panthers - Dec 1 2007
Message from the Phil
"I can't believe it, we scored 5 of the best goals of the season and still lost!
Starting with only 10 men at the ridiculously early time of 9am, we got off to a fsirly poor start. Although to be fair to 'Where the f_cks' Kaniaru, he did make it before we let the floodgates open. David, please tell us you were with at least one woman................
Donny led a brave fightback to make it 4-2 at half time. However, perhaps the only real highlight was Gary's man of the match performance with a goal and several assists. Ah well, we're not out of the league yet, we just need to win the next 9 games and we'll be fine. We're also looking good for the Fairplay Trophy with only one yellow so far for Chopper Murphy in the first game of the season. Who wants to win that though? We can't be trying hard enough on the pitch."
"I can't believe it, we scored 5 of the best goals of the season and still lost!
Starting with only 10 men at the ridiculously early time of 9am, we got off to a fsirly poor start. Although to be fair to 'Where the f_cks' Kaniaru, he did make it before we let the floodgates open. David, please tell us you were with at least one woman................
Donny led a brave fightback to make it 4-2 at half time. However, perhaps the only real highlight was Gary's man of the match performance with a goal and several assists. Ah well, we're not out of the league yet, we just need to win the next 9 games and we'll be fine. We're also looking good for the Fairplay Trophy with only one yellow so far for Chopper Murphy in the first game of the season. Who wants to win that though? We can't be trying hard enough on the pitch."
Monday, October 1, 2007
Bank of Bermuda - Team Triathlon 2007
Rain, wind and choppy waters failed to deter the two Upstarts teams who made mincemeat of the course to complete the Team Triathlon in impressive times yesterday. Hundreds of spectators lined Front Street to yell encouragement to the intrepid lads ("Get out of the way!"; "Let the leaders lap you"; "Your training wheels are loose" and suchlike).
Upstarts A lined up with Gary ("Can I run as well?") swimming, Padraic ("I caught a whopper") cycling, and Dave ("I can run 3 miles in 17 minutes") Kaniauru running. Their hot competition was Upstarts 1, with Alan ("Did I mention I was up the entire night Friday?") swimming, Phil ("I haven't done much biking since the Tour du France") cycling and Donald ("Is it really only 3 miles?") running.
Gary pummeled the choppy harbour waters to give Upstarts A an early lead of 2 minutes 43 seconds. Alan decided the water was so nice that instead of taking a straight line he took the scenic route. Blaming a slow leak in one of his arm bands he exited muttering "that's my slowest swim of the summer". Undaunted, Phil made immediate inroads into the lead Padraic had started with, knocking 40 seconds off in each of the first, er one, laps. The two battled neck and neck thereafter, clocking excellent times and leaving Dave Kaniaru with a lead of a couple of minutes going into the run.
No problem for a man of his prodigious speed, one might think.
Think again. Donald had sped past him like a speeding bullet by the end of the first lap. He looked utterly confused as I called out the time gap between him and Dave; he had thought Dave was another lap ahead and was busting a gut to try to catch up, when he had already done so...
There was no shame to Dave, as Donald managed the 15th best time out of 76 runners -- 18 minutes and change for 3 miles.
In the end Upstarts 1 won the head to head by a handful of minutes, but both teams did really well in trying conditions. To put it in context, both teams finished about half-way in an event comprising experienced triathletes well used to the course and for the most part focusing on their best event. Job well done -- and all done without Jon B, an excellent triathlete who offered to take part just after the teams had been settled. Maybe we can make it three teams next year?
Upstarts A lined up with Gary ("Can I run as well?") swimming, Padraic ("I caught a whopper") cycling, and Dave ("I can run 3 miles in 17 minutes") Kaniauru running. Their hot competition was Upstarts 1, with Alan ("Did I mention I was up the entire night Friday?") swimming, Phil ("I haven't done much biking since the Tour du France") cycling and Donald ("Is it really only 3 miles?") running.
Gary pummeled the choppy harbour waters to give Upstarts A an early lead of 2 minutes 43 seconds. Alan decided the water was so nice that instead of taking a straight line he took the scenic route. Blaming a slow leak in one of his arm bands he exited muttering "that's my slowest swim of the summer". Undaunted, Phil made immediate inroads into the lead Padraic had started with, knocking 40 seconds off in each of the first, er one, laps. The two battled neck and neck thereafter, clocking excellent times and leaving Dave Kaniaru with a lead of a couple of minutes going into the run.
No problem for a man of his prodigious speed, one might think.
Think again. Donald had sped past him like a speeding bullet by the end of the first lap. He looked utterly confused as I called out the time gap between him and Dave; he had thought Dave was another lap ahead and was busting a gut to try to catch up, when he had already done so...
There was no shame to Dave, as Donald managed the 15th best time out of 76 runners -- 18 minutes and change for 3 miles.
In the end Upstarts 1 won the head to head by a handful of minutes, but both teams did really well in trying conditions. To put it in context, both teams finished about half-way in an event comprising experienced triathletes well used to the course and for the most part focusing on their best event. Job well done -- and all done without Jon B, an excellent triathlete who offered to take part just after the teams had been settled. Maybe we can make it three teams next year?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Upstarts vs Chameleons Match Commentary by Phil Trussell
12pm, 15 minutes to kick off and our team consisted of Phil, Podge and Gary, who was only there because he was umpiring the game before. Podge had been really good the previous night, only drinking 23 beers at the squash club do, as he thought he might be in goals as we weren't sure if Kev could make it.
12.05pm, by now the 47 Chameleons players were doing co-ordinated star jumps, sideways jogging across the pitch and 4 vs 4 warm up games. Our ranks had swollen to 5. Jon Brunson arrived with a stick (good start) and an old style shirt. Kev also arrived with all his gear, and Podge looked a little miffed thinking about all those extra beers he could have drank last night had he known.
12.10pm, Chameleons now had 53 players, and had completed three white board sessions, were sprinting lengthways along the pitch, signing autographs and doing more star jumps. The 7 Upstarts players were standing randomly in the sun waiting for Podge to retrieve the warm up ball from the car park. Meanwhile the nice girl at the table asked us if we wanted to play a friendly and borrow some Chameleons, as 'they seem to have one or two spare.'
12.15pm, Another 12 Chameleons players had arrived in the last 5 minutes, and were listening attentively in a huddle to an emotional and inspiring team talk. The 10 Upstarts players were standing about listening to Gary saying 'Where the f*cks Kaniaru?'
12.20pm, Kick off. Watched by the newly crowned Panthers players from the touchline, the game got under way. What can I say. Podge, Neil and Jon Brunson were stunning from the outset playing wide midfield roles. (Only two of them were supposed to be playing there, but it seemed to be working). Donny had kindly agreed to play at the back as Keir had to stay at work to do some sums. And what a game Donny had, along with co-defenders Rob, Adrian and Dave K, who had amazing joined the match from somewhere..............I never saw him arrive?
10 minutes gone and we were ahead, after missing a sitter after 5 minutes, Phil managed to put one away and again after a brilliant through ball from Gary. 2-0 up and we weren't even trying. Chameleons started rotating some of their 65 players, but to no avail - they couldn't get near the ball. Gary and Kirk ruled the midfield and we were playing like the champions we used to be. This carried on for most of the first half until Chameleons got a very dodgy short corner and managed to spawn a goal from it. We weren't worried though, going into the break 2-1 up and barely having broken sweat.
At half time the Chameleons had flown in a motivational speaker from New York, who was hurriedly coaching them on their star jump technique. Upstarts were sort of sitting around trying to figure out how Kaniaru sneaked onto the pitch.
Second half and we were quickly on the scoresheet. Yes folks, after 87 attempts all season, we scored from a short corner. What a goal, Kirk bounced it out from the line, Gary stopped it at waist height and expertly returned it to Kirk, who blasted it into the goal. We looked at the umpire expecting it to be disallowed under rule 34f or something. But no, it stood, this was getting to be fun. Our never practiced short corner routines were starting to work.
Chameleons continued to rotate their rotations, and we just got better. The back five were solid as a rock, Kev was keeping out the few shots that got through with ease, Donny was blasting clearances out of defence into the middle of next week. Dave K, Rob and Adrian were tackling for fun. Neil and Jon were running up and down the wings for fun, and Gary was doing his usual tricks in the middle. Phil was by now standing in the Chameleons D with a torn hamstring, goal hanging like Donny at his best. Podge was having his own private game of hurling and loving every minute of it.
Another goal, Gary beat 7 Chameleons players (including the same one three times, and himself twice) and passed it back for Phil to knock in. Same again 5 minutes later to make it 5-1. Chameleons had stopped speaking to each other at this stage and decided to put all 10 outfield players on Gary. This gave the rest of us a bit of a breather. Somehow, they spawned another decision and got a penalty flick. 'Why bother?' we all thought as we had Kev the Cat in nets. Sure enough, a masterful save and more Chameleons tantrums.
We took the foot off the gas and somehow let them score to make it 5-2. I don't remember this goal at all. Who cares. With the clock showing about 10 minutes to play, up stormed Kirk again and got a real poachers goal out of nothing. That was the final score 6-2. The Chameleons didn't know what had hit them. At the start they looked like a talented, hard working, organised international hockey team. At the start we looked like a bunch of unfit, overweight, elderly amateurs without a watch between them. In reality though, we're a bunch of unfit, overweight, elderly amateurs who when we put our mind to it, really aren't that bad at hockey. (Apologies to the youngsters of the team).
Fair play to Chameleons, they were good sports, cheering and congratulating us at the end of what was a very enjoyable game. 6-2 to the Upstarts!
Roll on the cup.
Phil
12.05pm, by now the 47 Chameleons players were doing co-ordinated star jumps, sideways jogging across the pitch and 4 vs 4 warm up games. Our ranks had swollen to 5. Jon Brunson arrived with a stick (good start) and an old style shirt. Kev also arrived with all his gear, and Podge looked a little miffed thinking about all those extra beers he could have drank last night had he known.
12.10pm, Chameleons now had 53 players, and had completed three white board sessions, were sprinting lengthways along the pitch, signing autographs and doing more star jumps. The 7 Upstarts players were standing randomly in the sun waiting for Podge to retrieve the warm up ball from the car park. Meanwhile the nice girl at the table asked us if we wanted to play a friendly and borrow some Chameleons, as 'they seem to have one or two spare.'
12.15pm, Another 12 Chameleons players had arrived in the last 5 minutes, and were listening attentively in a huddle to an emotional and inspiring team talk. The 10 Upstarts players were standing about listening to Gary saying 'Where the f*cks Kaniaru?'
12.20pm, Kick off. Watched by the newly crowned Panthers players from the touchline, the game got under way. What can I say. Podge, Neil and Jon Brunson were stunning from the outset playing wide midfield roles. (Only two of them were supposed to be playing there, but it seemed to be working). Donny had kindly agreed to play at the back as Keir had to stay at work to do some sums. And what a game Donny had, along with co-defenders Rob, Adrian and Dave K, who had amazing joined the match from somewhere..............I never saw him arrive?
10 minutes gone and we were ahead, after missing a sitter after 5 minutes, Phil managed to put one away and again after a brilliant through ball from Gary. 2-0 up and we weren't even trying. Chameleons started rotating some of their 65 players, but to no avail - they couldn't get near the ball. Gary and Kirk ruled the midfield and we were playing like the champions we used to be. This carried on for most of the first half until Chameleons got a very dodgy short corner and managed to spawn a goal from it. We weren't worried though, going into the break 2-1 up and barely having broken sweat.
At half time the Chameleons had flown in a motivational speaker from New York, who was hurriedly coaching them on their star jump technique. Upstarts were sort of sitting around trying to figure out how Kaniaru sneaked onto the pitch.
Second half and we were quickly on the scoresheet. Yes folks, after 87 attempts all season, we scored from a short corner. What a goal, Kirk bounced it out from the line, Gary stopped it at waist height and expertly returned it to Kirk, who blasted it into the goal. We looked at the umpire expecting it to be disallowed under rule 34f or something. But no, it stood, this was getting to be fun. Our never practiced short corner routines were starting to work.
Chameleons continued to rotate their rotations, and we just got better. The back five were solid as a rock, Kev was keeping out the few shots that got through with ease, Donny was blasting clearances out of defence into the middle of next week. Dave K, Rob and Adrian were tackling for fun. Neil and Jon were running up and down the wings for fun, and Gary was doing his usual tricks in the middle. Phil was by now standing in the Chameleons D with a torn hamstring, goal hanging like Donny at his best. Podge was having his own private game of hurling and loving every minute of it.
Another goal, Gary beat 7 Chameleons players (including the same one three times, and himself twice) and passed it back for Phil to knock in. Same again 5 minutes later to make it 5-1. Chameleons had stopped speaking to each other at this stage and decided to put all 10 outfield players on Gary. This gave the rest of us a bit of a breather. Somehow, they spawned another decision and got a penalty flick. 'Why bother?' we all thought as we had Kev the Cat in nets. Sure enough, a masterful save and more Chameleons tantrums.
We took the foot off the gas and somehow let them score to make it 5-2. I don't remember this goal at all. Who cares. With the clock showing about 10 minutes to play, up stormed Kirk again and got a real poachers goal out of nothing. That was the final score 6-2. The Chameleons didn't know what had hit them. At the start they looked like a talented, hard working, organised international hockey team. At the start we looked like a bunch of unfit, overweight, elderly amateurs without a watch between them. In reality though, we're a bunch of unfit, overweight, elderly amateurs who when we put our mind to it, really aren't that bad at hockey. (Apologies to the youngsters of the team).
Fair play to Chameleons, they were good sports, cheering and congratulating us at the end of what was a very enjoyable game. 6-2 to the Upstarts!
Roll on the cup.
Phil
Monday, April 2, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
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