Upstarts do Ocean View

The sun shone majestically over Ocean View golf course. The North Atlantic shimmered beautifully as its quiet stillness offered a perfect backdrop to a stunning Bermuda autumnal day. The last two longtails swooped playfully over the oleanders in preparation for their long migratory path to warmer climes.

'***king **ck!' cried Keir, as he advanced his 6 iron approach shot to the first green another 24 inches. 'We're out of here', the longtails squawked as they flew for cover.

'I don't bast**d well ***cking believe that boll**cks' screamed Murphy as his 300 yard drive on the third landed perfectly in the middle of the equestrian centre.

'That's just ***king typical' sighed Phil, as his 195 yard 5 iron attack at the green of the 14th smashed into exactly the same tree as it had an hour earlier.

The Europeans were in trouble and were struggling to come up with new expletives. By all accounts the language in the Rest of the World (‘RotW’) team was even worse.

The RotW team were first on the tee. Kev Hill (not Smith...sorry Kev), Kaniaru and Kirk cracked drives down the centre of the fairway. Donny topped his first into a bush, but who cares, his team were in play.

Murphy and I looked at each other and thought, 'We're in trouble, and where the hell is Savage?’

'Sorry boys, been in the bog all morning,' Keir explained as he justified his late arrival.

So that was it, we were off. Two laps of Ocean View's 9 holes in glorious sunshine. Captain's choice, the only game for hackers, not a thought of hockey between us, golf bags full of the latest 460cc driving technology and plenty of Heineken.

About four hours later we were back. The course was by now in need of closure, and the forest was many golf balls richer. The closest to the green competition on the 7th was won by Murphy, with a thinned 9 iron that flew over the back, but was a good yard inside the RotW team's effort which was 40 yards short of the flag.

Martin was back in action again with the longest drive on the 17th. The RotW team had not left the long drive marker on the fairway, so they either didn't make it past the ladies tee, or they thought they already had the match in the bag with their consistent scoring and wanted to leave something for us?

Consistent scoring was the key. Coming off the eighteenth, the Europeans were feeling confident. Five under par – seven birdies and two bogies.

The scorecards came out. The RotW team were also five under! Five birdies and no bogies.

Then came the excuses, ‘we had four players’, ‘we had three’, ‘the wind got up’, ‘we ran out of balls’, ‘we drank more Heinekens’, ‘we didn’t drink enough Heinekens’. How would we decide this?

To be fair, from the European perspective, the RotW team made swift progress around the course, we couldn’t keep up with them. In fact, we were hassled on the back nine by the group following us. Initially, we weren’t worried when we met them at the tenth. But I take my hat off to the St Davids Blind Welfare Ladies over 75 Golf Society Second Team. (That was our main excuse – we just couldn’t concentrate with all those balls being fired at us by them b**ches).

Anyway, back to the outcome. Somebody mentioned there was a count back system in golf for deciding ties. We couldn’t work that out though, so we decided on an honourable draw. That would be fair. After all, we all play for the same team.

Then Kirk happened to mention we all played for Upstarts. So that was it, the final agreed outcome was that both teams lost.

A brilliant day out and a hard earned defeat for both sides…………….